It is said that losing a child is one of the most painful experiences anyone can face. Yet all too often, we see situations in divorce and child custody cases where fathers and their children are kept apart by the horrible actions of some mothers.

I have personally experienced this. It is alternately maddening, humiliating, terrifying, and depressing when the children we have loved and cherished are removed from us unjustly. But it happens, due to the controlling, demanding, unreasonable, and abusive actions of some mothers.

So when a father tells me his stories of loss, disconnection, and hopelessness due to the loss of his relationship with his children, I grieve with him. And then, we take steps to correct and prevent this harmful travesty, this abuse perpetrated on our children.

The law in Texas

Officially, parents are equal under the Texas Family Code, and gender discrimination is forbidden.

In practice, however, we see the sexes treated differently in court, even with the same facts. This is primarily due to cultural biases, gender roles, and individual biases. Bad mothers exploit these prejudices in court to get what they want – total control over you and your children.

Culture Bias

On the cultural side, there is a double standard: nobody judges a man who doesn’t have primary custody, yet we treat women as “bad mothers” if they don’t have primary custody. Mothers will fight tooth and nail to avoid being judged in this way, because of the social scorn they will receive if they don’t have primary custody.

This is highly unfortunate and makes women fight ten times harder on this issue – even if they are demonstrably bad mothers. Cases that should easily settle drag out and cost multiples more than similar cases with men.

The danger with Culture Bias is twofold: that it makes women fight harder, and it can influence courts and juries to favor or pity the woman. We ask justice to be blind, but often this bias sneaks in. You need an attorney that can bring these issues out in the open and force the court to judge the case on the merits, not cultural bias.

Gender Roles

Closely related to cultural bias is the concept of gender roles, in which we see men and women adopt historical roles, such as men being providers and protectors, and women being nurturers and caregivers and keepers of the home. Certain cultures and generations have adopted these roles more fervently than others.

For example, many of my Baby Boomer and Generation X fathers have strong gender role assumptions, based on how they were raised and the roles they settled into after becoming parents. Stepping into an equal (or main) role with the children may be alien or new to them. By contrast, Millenials and Generation Z dads are generally more accustomed to taking an equal role in parenting.

The lesson here is to ignore traditional gender roles – if you want to be an equal parent, you need to put in the work. Don’t take the lazy way out during your relationship with the mother and then expect to turn it on for the custody case.

Coach your kids’ teams. Go to meetings. A good attorney will amplify your role with the children to show how critical your hands-on role is with the children.

Individual Biases

It is an unfortunate reality that some people, including judges, are biased, whether because of their own cultural biases, gender role issues, prior cases they’ve handled, or their own personal history surrounding parenting. Even though most judges make extraordinary efforts to be fair, to some extent we all our blind to certain of our prejudices.

A good attorney has practiced in front of your judge and is aware of the court’s general policies and tendencies, and will present the evidence in a way to get the Court’s attention.

Goals in child custody litigation

To prevent your children’s mother from exercising this kind of destructive power over you and your children, you must aggressively seek to maximize:

• Your time with your children that you can personally spend parenting them;
• Your decision-making power regarding your children;
• Your access to information regarding your children;
• Fair sharing of the children’s expenses;
• Your ability to have a relationship with your children into adulthood

All of this means that you have be engaged in each of these tasks well before the custody case starts. Go to those appointments. Attend those events. Help with all that homework. Earn that parenting role so the judge has no choice but to make you an equal parent under the law. Even when it is inconvenient or uncomfortable due to the presence of your children’s mother.

The easiest thing for a court to do is maintain what it perceives as the status quo, so if you are not presently putting in the time and effort your children, start now. Your past performance is the best indicator of your future behavior. We can’t be successful in court demanding equal parenting when you have not been engaged in equal parenting previously.

What to Expect

Expect a fight, and to spend more time and money on resolving this conflict than perhaps you are comfortable spending. Remember, the mother of your children is not going to just roll over and give you the children or spontaneously become reasonable.

A good attorney will also advise you as to the use of third-party neutrals (counselors, custody evaluators, parent facilitators, etc.) to help fortify your case. These neutrals are invaluable to provide the court with evidence of your strong relationship and involvement with the children, and to point out the problems with the mother’s behavior and how it is affecting your children.